It has been too long since I donned the mask. Mostly because the last time I did, I got the required mascara into my eyes and it burned. I rubbed my eyes and made it much much worse. For days afterwards I went through many bottles of Visine.

But now I see. I see well. Especially with my glasses on. I canít wear contacts because A) I donít like touching my eyeballs and 2) I have a stigmatize or whatever thatís called oh and B) The swelling of my eyelids has gone down long enough so that I can now open them.

Where was I?

It has been too long since I donned the mask. A while back I tried to put it on, but my Mom, i mean, maid, dried it in the dryer, so it didnít really fit. Itís a long story, almost as epic as that Lord of the Flies, where I had to walk miles with hairy toes and I had to find me a new mask. I found it, at Play it Again Sports, or Valinor, or whatever the case may be.

Itís time to put the mask back on and hope itís not a jock strap. This one time a fellow wrassler friend of mine decided that it would be fun to trade in my mask for a jock strap. I wrestled four weeks before I realized that it was not, in fact, my nose smelling like butt, but it was my mask, making my nose think it smelled like butt. His butt, not mine. Well, not my noseís butt, but I mean the butt of the guy who traded my mask for the jock strap which had recently been near his butt.

Now youíre asking yourself, ĎHey, Big D, doesnít the jockstrap not cover the butt?í

Maybe he wore it backwards.

Later, I found my mask had been used as a jockstrap, so once again I was forced to deal with what I now call Ďbutt-noseí.

It has been so long since I mentioned how long it had been since I donned the mask. One minute Iím the average every-man. Iím watching taquitos and Iím eating episodes of COPS in my shorts and super cool coed naked something or other tank top and the next, Iím in the mask and thatís when I becomeÖ


Iím coming to get you, Fight Number Two Win. Coming soon.