« on: August 26, 2017, 05:22:22 PM »

I’m just like any other dude. I like food, I like drinks (soda, milk, orange juice) and I really like watching television. I also like sleeping, but that’s suddenly hard to do now that my neighbor has a big sub woofer in his house. It thumps and thumps when I’m trying to get my much needed beauty sleep. Of course it has me all angry now, because I don’t have enough sleep under my belt.

This is what turns the regular average Joe cool guy Brick into DEATHMACHINE. Plus, my favorite pool popped and it took me like an hour and a half to blow it up. I’m mad. I’m mad and I’m looking for someone to take it out on. Now these my girlfriend and sex pot Angelina Something-Something tells me that it’s time for me to take on a guy at Fight 2 Win.

I still don’t get why there’s a number in the name, but it doesn’t matter.

All that matters is that I’m facing JAKE. I don’t know why he chooses to display his name in caps, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I think it’s because he wanted to cash in on the legacy started by DEATHMACHINE. What he doesn’t know is that DEATHMACHINE invented caps. From long ago, a lot of blood, sweat, and tears (mostly sweat) was dripped to make DEATHMACHINE a house hold name. JAKE though, nobody knows JAKE. JAKE, more like JOKE.

From now on I’m going lower case on his ass.

jake must die.


Is it Brick Ramrock or is it DEATHMACHINE? What you must remember about our protagonist, is that, mask or no mask, he hides a dangerous secret. That secret? Well, it’s pretty simple, to be honest. He’s not in this Starbucks location because he likes the taste of burnt coffee beans. He’s not in this Starbucks location because he wants to hob-knob with millennials and pretend he’s not looking at porn on his laptop. He’s not even at this Starbucks location because he’s one of those douchebags who doesn’t just admit that the frappuccino isn’t just a milk shake.


He’s in this Starbucks location because he’s ready to kill him some JAKE.

What he doesn’t know is that JAKE doesn’t work at every Starbucks location. In fact, we here at DEATHMACHINE TV don’t really even know if JAKE actually works at a Starbucks. This is just an assumption Brick made based on the fact that JAKE mentioned that he was a Starbucks employee. In fact, for a while, Brick thought that JAKE worked at Subway, but now, in retrospect, it may have been his excuse to get a twelve inch Steak and Cheese with Pickles, Onions, and Chipotle Southwest sauce with four chocolate chip cookies, and a large Mountain Dew.

We pay all of his tabs and he has a bit of a weight problem.

The Brickiest of Ramrocks walks up to the counter of the Starbucks and somehow manages to ignore the cutie behind the counter in the leggings that leave nothing to the imagination and calls for the boy at the drive through window.

“You’re jake, aren’t you? You might not hear it, but I’m going lower case on your ass!” Brick exclaims.

The boy points at himself and raises an eyebrow, “My name is Stanley.”

“Yeah right, nobody’s name is Stanley. That’s a Cup. You’re a guy. Definitely jake. Don’t you lie to me.”

“No, I’m definitely Stanley,” the boy insists.

“Quit your lying, jake! You and me--right now!” Brick pulls his DEATHMACHINE mask out and puts it on (it’s actually a wrestling protection helmet for kids, tbh) and tries to leap over the counter, but he can’t. He tries again, but with the second failure under his belt, DEATHMACHINE settles for making his way around the counter. He walks up to Stanley who has a freshly brewed flat white in his hand. DEATHMACHINE spies the coffee, and then Stanley, “You’re dead, jake!”

DEATHMACHINE slaps the flat white up into Stanley’s face. This is followed by a hushed shock from the pretentious slash hipster patrons right before Stanley screams bloody murder. DEATHMACHINE follows up the initial attack with a foot stomp. Now Stanley is on one leg, holding his injured foot, which only slightly takes his mind off his burning face.

“How do you like me now, jake?! Thought you could take me out with your beverage blending, never gonna happen! You’re done!”

Now DEATHMACHINE applies his titty twister submission to Stanley who does not respond well. He simultaneously vomits as he wets himself. DEATHMACHINE doesn’t give in, despite being covered from his neck to belly button with vomit, DEATHMACHINE keeps the submission applied--that’s dedication.

The scene is so bizarre that some of the patrons have taken to rooting on DEATHMACHINE, believing that Stanley must be to Starbucks what Jared was to Subway.

Someone in the background exclaims, “Show that kid toucher who’s boss!”

Stanley goes limp and DEATHMACHINE doesn’t release his nipples at first, permanently adding an inch to each nipple, before letting go.

Now in the silence, DEATHMACHINE shouts and laughs. He’s quite pleased with himself.

“Wooo! Yeah! Ruled that guy! Who’s next?!”

DEATHMACHINE flexes his lack of muscle mass and starts making his way towards the door. Some people try to stop him, but he just swears that he doesn’t sign autographs as he leaves.


jake has nothing on me. I’m the better man. It’s that simple. I brush my teeth twice a day, mostly because I wake up around two or three am and eat a whole meal. I brush my hair too. You will never see DEATHY with a cowlick. I’m awesome and I make it look easy. If I get a brown stripe in my underwear, I throw them away. I can do this, because i’m independently wealthy. I don’t have to explain where I get my money. If a tailor could fit me into one, I’d wear a suit. I can’t tho, because no suit can contain what I’ve got going on.

He (jake) should have known not to mess with me. I’m a man-stallion and I crush, kill, destory, and eat twinkies. I love those things. They give me the strength I need to survive and do all the destruction I find so important.

Maybe one day I’ll run into jake’s mom and she’ll be all, ‘Er mah gerd, ur DETHMACHINE,’ but she’ll say it like “Matcheen” and then we’ll make out for like an hour. I’ll probably put my hand on her butt and she’ll be all, “Come on DETH-MATCHEEN, let’s go make a baby. I want a baby who isn’t jake, so that I can be proud and not sad and on the brink of wanting to do suicide to myself.”

Then I’ll be all, “Sure babe, I’ll hold hands with you to initiate child birth. Cuz that’s what dudes do, they make babies with hot babes who are willing to hold hands.”

Yeah, so then we’ll have a child and we’ll name him Better JAKE and he can be in caps cuz yah know, he has some DEATHY DNA in him. Then we’ll get a nice house and I’ll mow the lawn and she’ll bring me a lemonade when I’m done and then we’ll make out for like hours. It’ll be great. Then eventually we’ll grow apart and she will get upset because I never tell her she’s pretty and I treat Better JAKE like shit because I’m secretly jealous of him. Then eventually she’ll find out I’m cheating on her with like, Mira Sorvino, because she’s still pretty hot and I’m of course, DEATHMACHINE. Then I’ll make some babies with Mira Sorvino and that will be great. Then I’ll get to hang out with Paul Sorvino and we’ll make a mobster movie and I’ll play, like, The Great Gambino or whatever his name was.

Then Better JAKE will come see me and be all, “Why you ignore me daddy?” and I’ll be all, “Because I’m hooking up with Mira Sorvino, duh” and he’ll be all “Oh ok, she is still pretty hot” and I’ll be all, “Yeah, way better boobies than your mom.”

But then I’ll meet that chick from The New Girl and make like a half dozen babies with her too and eventually the whole world will be full of DEATHMACHINE babies.


Brick’s chewing another big bite of Whopper, risking choking as he thinks about what he’s accomplished in life. He takes a slurp of his coke and nods his head.

“Burger King fries totally own McDonald’s fries. I mean, I love McDonald’s fries, but Burger King does it better. I know that sounds like sacrageous or whatever, but it’s true. If I could make out with Burger King fries, I totally would.”

Brick burps and takes another choke-risking bite of his Whopper.

“I totally ruled jake. Like, o-m-g. I destroyed him. I can’t believe I’m already one and oh in Ef Two Dubbya. Awesome, huh? Prob put me in the running for a title shot too. I’m ready for it. Born for this. Live for this. All of that.”

He washes another bite down with his Coke.

“They probably want me to be the poster boy for the place and that’s fine. I’m pretty awesome at having a face, so of course they’ll be all over that. I’m basically totally necessary to all the goings on in this sport. Me! Brick “DEATHMACHINE” Ramrock.”

Another bite and another drink, this time the cup slurps as he’s already down to the ice.

“Gonna need a refill.”

Music ramps up and now we’re greeted with credits and some fun outtakes of Brick being awesome, but bursting into laughter.

Yes, we had to cut the Starbucks scene like five times. That means that Stanley took five flat whites to the face. He was such a good sport.

RIP Stanley aka jake.