The Secret Weapon
« on: December 27, 2017, 12:00:13 AM »
When Hatchet Gully gave his old television to his girlfriend’s brother, he never thought it would be flying at him from a second story window. The thought was so strange that he almost forgot to move out of the way. He did at the last second and continued with his leisurely walk to the door. It was time for another episode of Alfie’s Trouble.

He opens the door slowly instead of knocking. Of course it was unlocked because no one that knows him would rob this house. It was one of the small things he did to keep A$hley’s brother safe from his world, but he only did it for her. The guy could go jump off a bridge and he’d be all the better for it. So would she, but she would never admit it. There he is. Alfie runs down the stairs holding a divining rod.

“It’s got to be here. It’s got to be here. It’s got to. Alright ‘atchet? It’s got to be here.”

Then off he goes. A$hley comes down after him shrieking at the top of her lungs.

“I told you to stop undoing the dirty clothes bin you wanker! I told you it isn’t in here. She does not want to talk to you! Gully? Come help me please.”

She runs at him with a desperate thirst and jumps into his arms. He has to carry her to the couch and he notices the state of the disaster.

“What the fuck, girl?”

A$hley looks around and puts her face in her palms.

“He’s been at this all morning. He’s tearing up the cushions, the garage, the closets, matresses looking all over the bloody ‘ouse for some sort of communication device.”

“What? A phone? Did you forget to get him some minutes?”

“No, not a phone. It is some James Bond shit or summat. He claims that Leah Remini is trying to speak wiv him.”

“Who the fuck is that? The King of Queens bitch?”

“Yeah. She ‘ad a big scuffle wiv Blackstar and now ‘e thinks she is trying to tell him something about his match with Natalie King.”

“That’s a little funny.”

“Come on ‘atchet. Help me!”

“Fuck. I was just picking y’all up for some cheesecake, damn. Where the fuck is he?”
“There! Fucking ‘ell.”

She gets on the back of the couch and points at Alfie removing all the food from the refrigerator and mumbling to himself. Hatchet calmly gets up. This isn’t the first time he has had to deal with Alfie Tenner, but he never likes dealing with the spastic fool. He still doesn’t know that the condition isn’t contagious or not.

“You, Alfie, my man. What you up to?”

Alfie ignores him and keeps looking through the refrigerator.

“Hey. I’m talkin’ to you, homie. You’re bein’ a bit disrespectful now.”

He tries to grab for Alfie’s shoulder but Alfie slaps his hand away.


He goes behind Alfie and lifts him up. Alfie wakes up from whatever focused daze he was in and shoves Hatchet back. A$hley jumps off the couch and runs to get in between them but Hatchet is still able to grab Alfie by the scruff of his shirt.

“Listen, man. You’re usually cool but I’m getting really tired of your shit! Almost every time I’m out here to hang out with you for her you’re always into some crazy paranoid bullshit. You need to get some pills, weed, and football in you so you can be straight. I’ma tell you one last time. Chill. The. Fuck. Out.”

He lets go and Alfie turns around. Then he spins back with a can of frozen peas in his hand. It comes from Hatches blind left side but he manages to dodge it. Hatchet runs at Alfie and tackles him into the refrigerator breaking the bottles of lager as they fall. A$hley finally cries out.


They pay no attention to her as Alfie picks Hatchet up and flips him down on the edible debris of junk food and bottles. Now he is really pissed. Hatchet gets up and Alfie smiles at him. They run at each other and there is a flash.

Then another and another as A$hley takes pictures of the spectacle to post online. Hatchet sits next to Alfie in the backyard. They are both in their tank tops and boxers as A$hley cleans up inside. Hatchet holds up his last remaining bottle of beer and Alfie returns the cheers with his lemonade.

“So what was all that about, man.”

“I got it in me ‘ead that Leah Remini wanted to contact me to warn me about something. That fight with Blackstar didn’t sit right with me one bit. I gave him my all and he still defeated me. I wasn’t a ‘ero.”

“You ain’t gotta be shit. You just need to grab a big ass weapon and whack him on the side of his head.”

“I hit ‘im ‘ard, ‘atchet. I swear. I think I know what Leah is trying to tell me, though.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

Alfie looks back at the house to make sure A$hley doesn’t hear.

“I saw it later when he took off the suit. He is a robot, ‘atchet. That’s why I couldn’t beat ‘im. That’s why I couldn’t beat Natalie King either. She’s one of those good robots but they’re all unnatural in the end. You know what they are?”


“Cybermen. Cybermen, the lot of ‘em. Why do you think they’re all scientologists and the only one that can defeat them is King? It’s all a ruse. She’s working wiv ‘em to distract us from the real problem.”

“What’s the real problem.”

“They want our souls for themselves on account of them not ‘aving any. Cybermen!”

“Aw shit…. Ok here’s what you do. Grab a taser. Make sure you got that shit when the fight comes. Stash it someplace, who knows. Then if King gets to be too much and you feel her tapping into that robot strength, you zap the fuck outta her.”

“That works against Cybermen? I don’t remember form seeing it in jail.”

“Of course it does. Robots hate the stuff.”

“Wow… ok… I’ll defeat the Cybermen King. Become champ then defeat the scientologist and marry Angelina. Right.”

“Uh.. sure, homie. Whatever you say.”